8:43 p.m. - 2009-06-21
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My family isn't as close as I thought we were. Everyone seems to talk about everyone else.
There's so many unresolved issues amongst us that I think we may have to seek professional help.
It's funny, my family admitting to a problem has a probability of zero.
I wish I can help everyone, but I harbor some hostility myself. I'm not fit to tell anyone how to do anything.
It's sad, we've always seen each other and I think that maybe some of us need space from one another.
Onto other things...
I feel empty and afraid. I don't know why, I'm just feeling that way at the mmoment and it's strange.
It may relate to the issue that was stated above. It may relate to this upcoming Thursday. I may be that I am actually empty and tired or caring and scared by the fact that I am tired of caring. who knows...
I will tell you one thing, I love apple juice now. At first, I was never a fan of the stuff. But now it's just so damn good that I can drink a whole gallon of the stuff.
I was also thinking about Ms. Zhang. I hope that she finds happiness and if she has already found it, I hope that it times to the seventh power.
I build myself up only to be let down. I dream of things that could never be anything other than. Happiness to me is my family and everyone else's well-being. Happiness to me is finding purpose and a place to belong.
Not once has happiness have anything to do with love or a family, that's my brother's dream. I just wanted to try to walk a mile in another man's shoes.
Thing is, they don't fit and I'm extremely pigeon-toed so I want be able to walk the path exactly as they did.
You can only deceive yourself for so long until reality ultimately sucker punches you in the face. You may have expected it to come, but not as quickly as it did.
So you lay there, stunned. You have no idea if you're still standing up or if you're on the ground. You vision is dazed, your ears are ringing. and nothing is clear. You have no idea if there's someone cheering for you to get up. You just hang onto something to keep you steady. Whatever it is that closest to you; becomes your life-line.
I'm in that position, but there isn't a life-line. I'm on the cold, hard ground. Grasping for air. Longing for clarity.
I'm in search of something, but I have no idea what that something is and it just seems like any other haunting.
