3:31 a.m. - 2008-05-08
Belonging
I find it funny, the way I live. I'm surrounded by people I love and trust, but I still feel alone. On top of that, I long for someone to connect to.
I don't think I'll find anyone out there who I can truly connect to. I lie to everyone and for once, I would like to go without telling a lie to anyone. I want to be totally honest with a person.
I want to tell them my dreams, my fears, my fantasies, my hopes, and all the things I love.
I want to be around someone who makes me feel like I don't have to put on a show for their benefit and vice-versa.
I want to feel something that isn't made up in my head or forced. I really want that feeling of connecting.
Am I worthy of it? I've done a lot of bad things and I feel that my soul isn't thriving and that I am already damned.
I haven't murdered or killed, but I've lied and those lies, if ever revealed, will hurt those I love.
There's punishment and there's damnation, I think I fall under the latter at times. I think I deserve it too and it seems like no matter how much I try to make up for it, I never feel it is. Maybe because through my quest for redemption, I do more things that I have to redeem.
Strange, all the things I want will somehow steadily grow into the things I will need.
*sighs* I just wish that there was someone out there in whom I can talk to or at least a place in which I felt I belonged.
I'm tired of the facade, very...
